What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
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what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
There is no “we” in chocolate.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
I drew y’all a little something.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Hello, my name is Pierre.