[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
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Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner