Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
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Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Hmm, not sure about this change
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.