I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
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waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them