me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
Ah yes. The three genders
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Vodka burrito was a success
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.