I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
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[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Haha! 😂
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.