If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
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Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Dear Lord..
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…