@noog

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

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@Thuggedraccoon

Doctor: It doesn’t look good

Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet

Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste

@Dani_Feld

I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.

Oh…wrong toilets.

@pizzajaynow

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

@DaddyJew

Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up

Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday

Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.

@GianmarcoSoresi

If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show

@Kyle_Lippert

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

@MNateShyamalan

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

@IamEnidColeslaw

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil