Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
The Onion called it…again.
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Genius idea!!
liiiiiiiiike
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No