Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
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Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
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Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?