Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
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I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”