Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
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[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized