Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
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me, after any kind of buffet.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Sing it!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
*offers Batman cough drops*
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand