One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
You Might Also Like
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
congratulations to them