Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
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Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago