I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

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Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50


Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili


Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂


Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.


Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is


*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*


[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.


According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.


The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.


her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?