@KentWGraham

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

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@SpacemanQuisp

Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.

@rockymomax

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

@AmishPornStar1

Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”

@Mormonger

A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.

@AnnietheNanny1

If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.

@TravLeBlanc

I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!