@KentWGraham
@SpacemanQuisp Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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@SpacemanQuisp 
@JimmerThatisAll Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
@rockymomax [dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
@jeremyharrisona “DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
@noog “911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
@AmishPornStar1 Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
@Mormonger A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
@AnnietheNanny1 If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
@JimmerThatisAll You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
@TravLeBlanc I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!