I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

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Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.


DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice


“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
“Stab him again”


Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…

I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”


A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.


If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.


I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!