I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
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[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Hotels are back
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.