Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
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I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed