Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
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Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”