No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
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Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Me irl
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body