Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
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My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.