“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*