I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Incredible customer service.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.