I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
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EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I am all good here, 😂😉
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?