I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
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[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Taco Bell, Exit 22
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.