[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
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the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Broom by every window for quick escape.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Just a phase…