son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
You Might Also Like
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
guilty
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now