Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us