Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
pelicons
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
who did the taste test?
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice