we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?