Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll

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BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.


BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.


everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no


Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.


I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection


Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food


Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas