Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
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Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!