FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
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If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……