If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
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[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
And now we wait
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.