My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light