My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
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Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Mornin
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner