A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
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I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old