[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager![]()
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Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I