[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
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[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Breaking news:
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing