me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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The Birdles
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
When your parents check you’re ok.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Friends that check up on you >
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.