me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.