ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
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Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
is nasa ok
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Facebook memories be like
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”