Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
there has never been a better use of this meme
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~