Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
WWE is French for “yes”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
kitchen magnet
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl