journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
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Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
*puts my mental health in rice
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.