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Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
me 2 months after i graduated
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?