Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.