Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
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*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.