you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
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Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
I feel it
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.