I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
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A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
My dog learned how to text
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.