“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
why no one uses midhusbands
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to