Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Mornin
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.