Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!