One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.