Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
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Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!