I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
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*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.