Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
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Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’