Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”